OK, that headline might be an overstatement. But For thousands of lonely hearts out there technology has made a marked improvement in their social and dating life. With so many Social Networking sites available your chances of meeting someone interesting to meet for coffee are pretty good. Of course with that comes the caveat of “Beware of Strangers”. 

I did a little bit of web research to find some statistics on dating and social networks and it seems a lot of men and women have moved from the more traditional online dating sites to Twitter, Facebook, Myspace and the other networking sites.  Why?

I don’t want to be accused of stealing what somebody else wrote about the topic so I am telling you now I got this off one of the sites I visited called Social Networking Watch:

Mark Brooks, a social networking and online dating analyst, says safety may be a driving factor. Pew Research reported earlier this year that 20% of adults on social networking sites are there for dating, while 49% are there to make new friends. So people want to extend their social networks, but aren’t ready to date. “Online dating sites offer a level of anonymity, but social networking sites, you can see a person’s friends, how they interact,” says Brooks. “More and more we’re defining ourselves by the company we keep on social networks. It creates a sense of accountability, of safety.” http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/stephanie-schomer/write/more-women-use-social-networking-sites

So this got me to thinking, just how are we meeting new people online? I suppose if you put in your profile you are open to meeting new people, or dating, then you will have droves of eligible (and not so eligible) men and women wanting to be your friend and you have  increased your chances of finding the love of your life. Or at least getting a date for Saturday night.  But I know there are those that are meeting new people not by putting “I need a date!!” in their status updates but by just being who they are every day, day in and day out.  

I have about 250 friends on one of my Facebook accounts. Yes, I have two. One for business and one for family and friends. On my personal site there are probably a few people on there that I had no idea who they were when they made their friend request. After a little backtracking I found they found me either through a mutual friend or they thought a comment I made on someone elses page was stunningly brilliant and just knew that they if they didn’t become my friend their world would be the lesser for it. What? It could happen!

250 friends is a drop in the bucket for some. There are some people out there that must have made some really spectacular comments because their friend list is in the stratosphere! Of course that made me wonder how they keep track of them? And do they really communicate with them? Do they ever look at their page?  5000 friends! If every one them makes a status update a few times a day you would never see them all. 

Here comes another verbatim quote , this time straight from Wikinews.

According to Wikinews; the human brain can not handle more than 150 friendships. More research was done by Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Anthropology at the University of Oxford.  Dunbar compared the online activity of those with thousands of internet friends and those with hundreds, before concluding that there was no appreciable difference in their levels of activity. He defined a friend as someone that the individual cared about and made contact with at least yearly. “The interesting thing is that you can have 1,500 friends but when you actually look at traffic on sites, you see people maintain the same inner circle of around 150 people that we observe in the real world. [...] People obviously like the kudos of having hundreds of friends but the reality is that they’re unlikely to be bigger than anyone else’s”.  http://en.wikinews.org/wiki/People_limited_to_150_friends,_despite_Facebook,_says_academic?dpl_id=149591

So what I am getting at is that out of those people who found you so interesting there are bound to be a few that think “if she/he is so witty on line, they must be even better in person!” and a shy “poke” is given (I still dont’ know what that is all about!) or they start commenting more on your posts and soon a request for coffee is made, a movie is suggested and a month later the relationship status changes to a little heart that tells the world you are taken! You are among the many that found love via a social network!

It is interesting to watch relationships come and go. It is so public! Through Facebook you can watch the first ember of romance bloom and die all within a few weeks. I believe that most individuals would rather not put their status up for display and many do it just to please their significant other. “What? I’m not good enough for you to change your relationship status? You don’t care enough about me to tell the world that we are together? You’re ashamed of me?” Who can put up with the pressure? So you cave in and then what happens when you break up? Do you leave the status as is? Do you want to tell the world that you made a bad choice and didn’t heed the warning signs? But if you leave it as is what if the perfect “one” is out there and passes you by based on that “In a relationship” status?

Not all matches are made ON a social network. Some are made because of it. You meet someone at a club, the bowling alley, through work and they decide they want to know you better. Instead of just picking up the phone to call you they do a little digging first. Your name goes into Google and suddenly  your life history is there for the reading. You didn’t know your Myspace was open for the world to see, you wrote a paper that was published, your name was mentioned on your business website, your family tree is online,  and this person can find out more about you in an hour than he or she could in six weeks of dating you.

Hopefully everything they discovered about you was great and it made them want to meet you even more. One thing for sure is it will give them plenty of material for those first normally awkward conversations.  “So you went to Greece last summer? Tell me about it.” If your not fleeing the restaurant in fear that he is a stalker he can ask you about your Grandma Tilly who died 3 years ago while water skiing on her 93 birthday. He read that in the online obituaries. You were listed as a survivor.

Yes love in the age of technology can be complicated but it can shorten that “getting to know you time” by weeks! You may want to go delete those photos of you draped over a toilet surrounded by beer bottles with your best friend holding your hair away from your face so there can be no mistaking it’s you. Or maybe that picture of you sitting on the fence post mooning the passing cars. That’s really not the best way to make a first impression. Is it? I suppose it depends on the kind of person you are trying to attract.

Excuse me now. I need to go Google myself.

Technorati Tags: dating, facebook, humor, love, myspace, relationships, social networks, twitter

Forgiveness. Sure we know what it is, we know that when we petition God our sins are forgiven. Many of us count on that forgiveness when we head out of the house Saturday night! We expect those that love us to forgive our little transgressions, our occasional lapses of judgement, our angry words, our little white lies. But when it comes to forgiving others some of us have a difficult time.

Why do we expect forgiveness and then are so stingy when it comes to handing out those pardons ourselves? Why do we think we are so special that the mere fact that somebody hurt us, real or imagined, is beyond the realm of believability?

I know that I have been on both the needing of and the granting of forgiveness. And as much as I swear “I will never forgive” I always do. Time and Time again. I have been called a dreamer, an idiot, blind to the facts of life, a doormat and a fool but I have decided I don’t need to apologize anymore for believing in the healing power of forgivness and power it has to transform a life.

I have discovered that it is much easier to live life without the anger that seethes in your heart when you feel you have been wronged.  I have seen the bitterness, the deep seated torment that oozes out of people who can’t forgive. It eats them alive and they constantly relive their hurt over and over again. Why? When you learn that fire burns you don’t keep putting in your hands in it do you? Do you constantly cut yourself with sharp objects? This is what the unforgiving person does every day. That memory comes up and suddenly they are reliving the moment again. They plot their revenge, they practice their words in their head, planning the perfect off the cuff remark meant to cut and hurt the other person. I don’t know about you but 99% of the time those moments you have been dreaming of never materialize. Unless you are seriously unstable, you don’t stand outside their house with a can of gasoline and book of matches waiting for them to appear.

I bring all this up because once again I have been put into the situation when I needed to make a choice. Do I forgive? Or do I open my heart up to this person and love them with the love of God, who sees this person as a flawed child in need of compassion and direction. Well, if I listened to those around me I would have written this person off as a lost cause, not worth my time. I should make a list of the terrible things this person has done, write them on my bathroom mirror and recite them back to myself every time I felt myself weakening.  Thank goodness listened to my heart and the voice of my God not the voice of my friends and family.

I certainly understand their concern. This person put me in a terrible situation. It could have turned out very bad. And believe me I was angry. Very angry. Very, Very, Very Angry! For 6 months I had no contact and when I talked to people I would rehash the hurt and my righteous anger.  But then there this person was in my life again and I realized they needed me. Not to support them or for them to lean on me, or even to forgive them. I don’t really think this person expected me to forgive and wouldn’t have blamed me if I hadn’t. But I knew I needed to love them. To show them the love of God through me. 

It didn’t take weeks for the anger to leave me. It took one face to face visit. I told this person how they caused me pain, how angry I was, how disappointed I was in them for putting me in a bad situation. But the more I talked the more the anger dissipated. I was left with sorrow and then compassion and finally peace.

I want to say it hasn’t been easy, that I am still angry at times. But that wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is I allowed the love of God to pass through me and as that loved passed through it took the bitterness and anger with it and left only a real desire to understand, encourage and stand by this person.

It’s hard to explain to others who ask me how I do it. How can you so easily forget? Well I haven’t forgotten. But I do believe we have choices in our lives and everyday we choose how we want to live, in anger and bitterness or with the peace that passeth understanding. I don’t know about you but there is so much in my life that I don’t have a choice about why complicate it even further but choosing to add more heartache?  I would much rather move on and  embrace what little happiness there is in life than to wallow in the trenches moaning “why me”.  With prayer and firm grip on God’s hand it’s just a matter of saying “I forgive you” and allowing God to do the rest.

Technorati Tags: forgiveness, friendship, God, mercy

I attended a memorial service for a dear friend today. He passed away way too soon. I had spent many an afternoon chatting with him and talking about family, work and life. We worked in the same building. He at one radio station and I at another. His studio was across from mine with nothing but a small room between us.

There could have been a bigger gap between us. After all he was born in Mississippi in 1945. I was born in Michigan in 1960. He was black and I am white.

To me his name was Willie, to others he was Shurrod, King Juan, Don Perry, Cobra, Sensei, Smooth and Big Daddy. All those names meant something different to whomever you talked to. But the one name that best describes him is genuine.

Willie did a tour in Korea while in the Army from 1965-1968. But I never heard about that. After the Army he received a basketball scholarship from Lane College where he studied liberal arts and later communications. But I never heard about that. I learned today that he released a record many years ago that was big hit locally. I never heard about that either. So does this mean I didn’t know him after all?

No. What I did hear were the things that Willie found important in his life. I never knew a man more proud of his family. I heard about his son, Shurrod, and the dreams a father has for a son. I heard how this wonderful son was the best son ever. I heard how this boy was going to go to the Olympics and earn a gold medal. He had a poster of Shurrod in his studio with a hand written note. The poster was a picture of Shurrod running in a track meet, leaping in the air, sunglasses flying off. It was a picture of determination, grit and drive. Willie knew that his son would one day be an Olympian. If the dreams of fathers could make it so it would have come true. But Shurrod found other dreams in the arms of a woman named Joi. And those Olympic dreams became a wistful memory for Willie but his love for his son never wavered. Soon there was a wedding and a beautiful baby girl named Faith.

I saw lots of pictures of Faith and Big Daddy and then Faith, David and Big Daddy. I heard lots of Big Daddy stories and saw the love of a father passed down to his grandchildren. It was heartwarming to see a man so full of love.

This love wasn’t only reserved for his son and grandchildren. Willie had his Goddess. Alma, his wife. Alma came along late in Willies life. She was younger and Willie worshipped the ground she walked on. Willie and his Goddess would take cruises, they would head to the islands and take time to revel in one another. I would get the pictures and the details when he got back to work. Theirs was the kind of love that most people only dream of.

When Willie and Alma bought their new house he was so proud and promptly invited me over. I got the grand tour and dinner with he and his Goddess. We watched movies and hung out. Of course I had to have them to my house and the were kind enough to come. One of the nicest compliments I got was from Willie when he told me how comfortable he was in my home. He said it was just so “peaceful” and cozy.

Willie was one of the healthiest people I know. He ran marathons, worked out, was a black belt in Karate and taught many youngsters about honor and hard work. So it was a surprise when he found out he had to have heart surgery. He made it through but it changed him a bit. He was much more cautious and the marathons were put aside.

Time passes and the radio station was bought by a large company. Folks were let go when the new company took over and unfortunately Willie was one of them. We tried to keep in touch, phone calls, a few visits but it seemed that before I knew it a year had passed. I tried calling him several times but wasn’t able to reach him. I thought about stopping by but didn’t want to just drop in on him. Then I lost my job too. More cutbacks and I escaped into my own misery for a while. But Willie and The Goddess were always in my thoughts.

The past 6 months or so I had felt such a prodding to call him. Every few days I would get that gnawing feeling that I needed to pick up the phone. But it always seemed to happen when I was at work or in the car and by the time I got home my mind would be on other things. A few days later, again, that gnawing feeling. Then I got the news from another old coworker. Willie had passed. He had been sick for quite a while. I was heart sick. I had let my chance to tell him how much he meant to me slip by.

God gives us signs, he uses people, events and sometimes a 2×4 to get our attention. We often don’t pay attention. This isn’t the first or even the second time I have ignored the nudges. I have two other friends that time seemed to get between us. One was a person I hadn’t spoken to in years. I kept getting the feeling to find him but I had no idea where he was. The last I had heard he was in California trying to make in the movies. Then one day I did a Google search and found him. In the obituaries. He had died 2 days before. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had made that call earlier if something different would have changed for him. Maybe we would have gotten a chance to meet up again and start fresh and he wouldn’t died the way he did. All the what if’s start rolling through your head. The other was pretty much the same as Willie. He was also a good friend from the radio station and he had been ill and in the hospital. He had been in the hospital many times and I thought, like the other times, he would be home again. But it wasn’t to be.

I found out after Alma, the Goddess, called me that Willie had been ill for the past year. He had spent several weeks in the hospital, rallied and came home but this past week there would be no going back to his earthly home. His Goddess would have to wait. I understood that his body had been failing him and he wasn’t the robust Willie I had known. I am glad that the memory I have in my head is of Willie conquering the world, bragging about his son, grandchildren and wife. Gearing up for the Labor Day run. Telling me about the movies he loved and the few he actually had small roles in. Those are the memories I will carry with me and cherish.

My previous post was about listening to your Mother, your Father and those that are wiser than you. It also should include your Heavenly Father. He is not a silent God. He will try to guide you in the way you need to go. The Holy Spirit is not silent either. Those nudges, those urges I felt were the whispers of Heaven offering me a chance to let someone know that I care. That they were important to me. That I loved them. I hope I won’t ignore those whispers again.

Technorati Tags: death, friendship, God, heaven, Willie Dickey