It’s funny sometimes how God will put something in your life at just the right time. I am reading a book by Sue Monk Kidd called “When The Heart Waits” . It’s about finding yourself at the point in your life when you realize that you aren’t the same person you used to be. You realize that you are of an age where the things that once made you happy don’t bring the same joy as they once did.  Possibly the people you once spent time with no longer bring the laughter you once thought would never end.  This is where I am at in my life.  It’s feels like dangerous territory and one wrong move could send me over the edge.  The book is actually 20 years old. 20 years old! Ancient in terms of “self help” books. But it came to me at the right time. 20 years ago it would have been meaningless to me.

I found it while I was house sitting. I picked it up and I liked the title. But the book looked a little dated and the pages were starting to yellow.  I looked at the publication date and saw that it was written in 1990. So even before I began reading my mind traveled back to where I was in 1990. I had just left my marriage and moved to Houston, Texas to take a job at a country radio station. It was an exciting and frightening time since I was taking on new challenges.  My son was 9 years old and I was 30 years old.  After looking at the date I texted a friend.

“It’s kind of shocking to pick up a book and see that it was written in 1990 and then realize that was 20 years ago!! Where has the time gone? That was when I got divorced, Josh was only 9 years old! I have wasted so much time on things and people I should not have. I regret that I let some good years go by spent in bad relationships. I feel like I wasted me!”

Yes. I am a long texter. And when I am in deep thought they get even longer.

My  Friend texted back:

“I feel like I have wasted years too. Don’t mean this as a cliche, but all things work together for good…God is/will use what we consider ‘wasted’ for good and for his glory. There are many do’s and don’ts you can now share with others”

My response was;

” I understand that I can mentor others and know that God has a plan but I have been ‘alone’ for so long even when I was with someone. It seems like I have been waiting for SOMETHING for such a long time. I want to share my life with someone who feels that I have worth. I think that’s where I have felt ‘wasted” knowing I have so much to offer and not having someone to give it to. Or having someone who didn’t appreciate the good that I had to give!”

All this introspection even before I read the first word or even the back cover! So imagine my surprise when I started reading and found out the book was about navigating the times in your life when you feel your life has lost meaning and you just aren’t sure what you should do about it. Sue Monk Kidd went through the same thing so many other men and women go through.  A mid-life crisis. When you question your worth as a spouse, a parent or a person. You start with the “What If” questions. What if I had taken that other job. What if I had married that other person. What if, What if, What if.  You look back and wonder if you have made an impact at all. I have spent the last year or so asking those questions of myself. What kind of impact have I made? What has been my purpose?  You are staring 50 in the eyes and it’s looking back at you.. and behind you. Down that long road you have been on and there isn’t much to show for it.

I think we all choose to handle this moment in our lives differently. We have all seen the 50 year old male with his 25 year old girlfriend and sporty little car. Many women start injecting themselves with fillers and  botox and buying fancy clothes. Now there are almost as many women chasing younger men, trying to hold onto their youth the best way they know how.  But it isn’t possessions that fill that hole in our lives. It is something much greater then that. It’s learning who we are and what we are capable of becoming. And “becoming” takes time.

We need to slow down, or even stop, and let God begin.  Waiting. Who has time for that anymore? This is a world of instantaneous gratification. We don’t wait for anything and we feel we shouldn’t have to. We feel we deserve to have everything we want when we want it. But that’s not the way nature works . Who is nature but God? For true change to happen it takes time. It takes 9 months for a child to be born, it seems like endless waiting. From the time a seed takes root until it becomes a beautiful flower, takes time. Everything good and pure takes time. I have always loved the line in scripture “be still and know that I am God”.  It means stopping and acknowledging the Almighty. To let His work begin in you.

How often do we pray for Gods will in our lives and when we feel he hasn’t answered us fast enough we strike out on our own?  I am guilty of this just as so many men and women in the Bible were guilty of the same thing. We think that God needs a little help. A nudge to get the ball rolling. But he doesn’t need our help. He just needs us to be the host for the seed and he will do the rest.

Sue Monk Kidd encourages waiting. For as long as it takes. While we wait we must sort out who we are. Get rid of the old things that held us back. That takes some serious soul searching and when you start digging in those deep dark places you are likely to find some things you would rather have left undiscovered. I think that getting those things out in the open, and really examining them is a good way to move that junk out of the way, so that you have more room for the good. One of the lines I liked in the book was “….the soul is more than something to win or save. It’s the seat and repository of the Inner Devine, the God-image, the truest part of us.” When we have cleaned out the old we have opened a clearer path for God to make his way into the Inner Devine.

It reminds me of my 17 month old grandbaby. One of his favorite things is going to the bookcase 

Separating the wheat from the chaff.

 and looking at all the dvd’s on the bottom shelf. He will take each one out individually and carefully examine it. He looks at the front and then the back as if examining them for their worth. Then when he is done he tosses it over his shoulder into what becomes a rather large pile. This is what we need to do with the clutter in our own soul.

When I was in my 20’s what I wanted from my life was the Happily Ever After that most girls want. It doesn’t take long to figure out that happily every after is just a fairy tale. The reason relationships fail at this stage is that we depend on someone else to provide those happily ever afters for us and if you rely on someone else to make your life what you want it to be, you will only see unhappiness. When I reached 40 it became all about me. I will make things happen. I will not depend on anyone else. I can do it all myself. For a while that worked but the closer I got to 50 I realized that I no longer wanted it to be all about me but I just didn’t know what I DID want.

You spend your whole life living for others, being the good girl who does what she is told to do or in some cases the complete opposite, rebelling against everything. This morning I was back to texting.

“from the book…’When we give ourselves completely over to the idea and images of parents, husbands, wife, church, social organizations, friends or, ‘prominent’ persons, and silence our own voice of soul in the process, we allow others to create our sense of who we are rather than growing our own identity within ourselves.” Very true. So many people, especially women, suffocate their inner thoughts and desires in order to be more pleasing and desirable to others. I think even more so today with the media telling us what we need to be rather than allowing what and who we are to really shine through.”

How much of your time in life was spent trying to be what others wanted you to be? I know that I have tried to be what others wanted of me. I am not sure how successful I ever was but I know that even just trying to live that way made me cranky and probably unpleasant to be around. But never to the point where I could just abandon the trying, which is too bad, for I probably would have been a better person for it.

“…I am realizing that it’s not the parts of my life that I feel were wasted it’s more about opportunities that were lost or never utilized.  I think the greatest sadness for me isn’t that I didn’t have a great love in my life but that I didn’t have a true companion to share life’s journey with. I think that is the true ache of the lonliness I have now. The lack of intimacy in my life. Not being able to share the deepest soul stirring emotions with someone. I know I have kept that part of me locked up, not trusting anyone enough to share that fragile, breakable part of me. Not feeling strong enough in myself to let words and feelings flow freely from my lips for fear of being struck down with words and actions. How freeing it must be to be able to speak whatever is on ones heart!”

My friend answered back with;

“…it’s very difficult to find someone that fits that description and you don’t know if they fit that description until you test the waters by becoming vulnerable by expressing your thoughts and desires. But it’s difficult to reach that level of trust because trust grows in the soil of vulnerability nurtured by acceptance. “

So here I am. Waiting. I am going to let God work in me and see where it goes. I will try not to be impatient. I won’t open the cocoon before it’s time. I won’t try to push God into the drive-thru lane. I will be still and know that he is God and remember, good things come to those that wait. Yes I am almost 50. I am single and I can share the do’s and don’ts of life. But I know that most times the reciever of that knowledge won’t listen to a word I say. Just as I wouldn’t have 20 years ago.